With all of the conspiracy theories infecting the average Filipino’s Facebook newsfeed for the past few months, I just needed to take a break and recall my favorite conspiracy theory: The Reptilians, which was popularized by British conspiracy theorist, David Icke. Basically, he claims that the world’s most powerful people are shape-shifting reptilian aliens who want to control the world and enslave us all.

At first I wondered, what the hell is this Brit mixing with his tea and will it show up in a urine test? Wala lang, a friend wants to know. But then I started to like it. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Those cold-blooded freaks probably want to avenge their cousins that are being exploited to satisfy the designer bag addiction of their human subordinates. The fact that we have our own urban legend about a mall tycoon’s supposedly reptilian son just makes it even more amusing to me. Talagang ‘di tayo nagpahuli!

So since I’ve developed a passion for using makeup to become something I’m not (gee that statement sounds so pitiful), I decided to try my hand at looking like a powerful, rich, cold-blooded reptilian Beach Barbie.

It’s basically the similar process as jessFACE90’s Lizard makeup look, but I had to use Elmer’s Glue instead of liquid latex. It’s not as strong, but hey it’s not like I’m going wear that on my face for hours. (“Magtiyaga ka sa glue, ang tamad mo maghanap ng liquid latex e!” -me to myself) It doesn’t give you a very natural-looking effect either. But what do you expect from a type of children’s glue? Just be glad your photo won’t be blown up into billboard proportions soo you can still get away with Elmer’s Glue imperfections.

So these are the things I did to get this look. If you’re smart, you won’t follow every bit by heart:

1. Find your favorite pair of sunglasses AKA the cheap one that doesn’t fall due to your nose bridge shortage. Stop obsessing about the unused pairs of fancy sunglasses you’ve received from your mother na hindi mo nga magamit kasi nahuhulog lang sila sa sahig and just get to work.
2. Trace the rough outline of its frame using NYX Retractacle White Liner. Any color would probably work since you’re gonna cover the lines with tissue and glue anyway; I was just paranoid that they’d be visible if I chose a darker color.
3. Slather Elmer’s Glue on the outline, before sticking thin strips of tissue on it. I think I did this twice to make sure the tissue (fake human skin) would be strong enough once I peel the “ripped” end later.
4. Let that dry and do your foundation routine on the rest of your face. Mine’s using L’Oreal Infallible Liquid Foundation with a damp sponge and adding more coverage where it’s needed (read: your God-given period zits) by applying bareMinerals Mineral Foundation with a brush.
5. I wasn’t sure if it was going to show (because I’m just using my 2-year-old smartphone to take my selfies) but I added a bit of bareMinerals Face Color in Luxe Radiance on my cheeks since I’m supposed to be a girly reptilian nightmare.
6. Once the paper mache’d freak show of fake human skin around your eyes is dry, apply your liquid foundation and concealer all over it so it’d have the same shade as your real skin.
7. Create the ripped effect by gently peeling the inner edge of your fake human skin and bending it outwards. This is why I traced the rough outline with an eyeliner—so you can stop peeling once you see your outline, making it easier for you to get that oops-I-ripped-my-fake-human-skin-because-my-sunglasses-are-that-lit effect.
8. Fill out your snake skin with green face paint. I had to mix my green and black facepaint from my Snazaroo Facepaint Kit because I wanted it to be as green and as dark as my mind. Once I was happy, I applied that color all over the area with a wet brush. I also used the green shades from my Coastal Scents Creative Me 1 palette and Urban Decay Grafitti Eyeshadow as my setting powder and to add more greenness na din.
9. Put fishnet stockings over your head as if you’re a desperate idiot who wants to do a prepaid card heist at 7-11 because you’re so sick of your Free Data Mode (“Nagload pa ako’t gumamit ng data, tapos hugot quote lang pala yung picture na inupload nya sa Efbee!!! Ba’t kasi nauso yung pictures ng quotes, di na lang i-status update?!”-desperate idiot turned bitter idiot) You’ll have to fill the holes of your fishnet stockings with a different color for the scales, so it’s reaaally important for you to hold it in place throughout this step. Stop yourself from hahahuhu-ing at how pathetic you look with your never-been-used fishnet stockings over your head—the same pair of stockings your very supportive mother has sent you in hopes that it can do its kinky wonders to your “quest in finding a good man”. Once you’ve gotten your sh*t together, carefully dab a brush full of gold eyeshadow (Gold from Lorac Pro 1 or Urban Decay in Honey) on top of the fishnet stockings covering your green reptilian skin.
10. Remove your fishnet stockings carefully and throw it into your dirty laundry basket so you can give your laundrywoman something to talk about. Paint the inner side and the edges of your ripped human skin with fake blood, and the outer side with purple and brown eyeshadow for some bruising effect.
11. Tightline your eyes with NYX Retractable Black Liner. Wing your eyes with K-Palette Real Lasting Black Eyeliner. Finish your eye makeup look by adding length and volume to your lashes with your favorite Benefit Roller Lash Mascara. Remind yourself that you’re not yet done with your Reptilian Beach Barbie look so you better stop admiring your fabulous lashes (AKA blinking slowly in front of your mirror as if you’re a narcissistic goat-snake hybrid).
12. Use Urban Decay Big Bang Lipstick for that glittery girly pink lips. You realized you’re not happy with its shimmer, so you gently dab a finger full of eyeshadow that screams PINK GLITTERS from your Urban Decay Moondust palette all over your lips.
13. Shake your hair until it looks like it’s full of secrets and wear giant hoop earrings just so you can look like the “liberated” hacienderang maldita of any teleserye/fantaserye. Wear your sunglasses as a useless headband just in case people don’t get why your ripped human skin is shaped that way.

14. 

    Feel sad that you don’t have actual snake-eye contact lenses to complete the look. Stop feeling sad when you remember that you can add fake contact lenses to your photo using the selfie app you loved to use para pagtripan ang pagmumukha ng mga kaibigan mo. Finally, use that post-processed selfie in your Instagram and hope that it’s good enough so people would want to learn more, click that link in your bio and discover your newborn blog site.