OK so I wasn’t planning to use this blog unless it’s time for another round of Halloween posts. But in the weird turn of events last April, I met this stunning kid who filled me with envy. My thought process as I was conversing with her: “OMG I would have my toenails smashed until they’re dead if it means that I can go back to being a carefree 18-year-old with a very exciting social life! At bakit ganon ang haba ng pilik-mata nyaaa?!” Of course I knew that I’m no Avenger who can jump back in time. So I compensated by creating a new makeup project fit for the summer…and also so I can have an excuse to wear falsies and feel youthful again (what, I love it when my eyelashes look like elegant mutant spiders that are casting elegant shadows down my cheeks, fight me). But then, procrastination cat obsession real life happened. And before I knew it, Unang Ulan ng Mayo arrived, so I decided to just shelve the project and delay writing about it until next summer (or until the temperature hits 36.6 Jesus-are-you-kidding-me degrees Celsius again.)

But in an even weirder and completely terrifying turn of events, this week gave us all a glimpse of how hellish the Philippines is going to be for the next three years. And then it hit me: oh shiii my Sunburn SFX makeup project from last April could be my way of expressing my pent-up anger (sa lagay na ‘to may nape-pent-up pa pala), making it the sequel to my Bullet In The Temperamental Brat’s Head SFX Makeup from THREE YEARS AGO! HAHANAPAN KO NA LANG NG TALI!! ANG SAYA-SAYA!!!! /s

So without further ado

What I did:

1. Don’t cry in case you don’t have any idea about what you’ll be doing, or how you’re going to draw the shape of a pair of sunglasses on your face…it’s just simple tracing! Use a white eyeliner (I used NYX retractable white eyeliner) to trace your sunglasses. Just follow wherever that big shady bringer of darkness touches your face…and make sure the shade of your eyeliner isn’t too bright because it’s not as if you’ll need the lines to be visible for better results anyway.
2. Shape and fill your brows (I used Nichido Browmaster in Gingerbread and Coastal Scents Brow Palette) para ‘di ka mukhang gulat at mas dama ang pagtaas ng kilay mo ‘pag nakikita yung laki ng tax na kinakaltas sayo pero di mo ramdam kung saan ba napupunta.
3. Draw an inverted triangle/tatsulok under each eye using a concealer (I used Maybelline Liquid Concealer in Medium) so you can cover up the darkness that is your eyebags, tricking people into seeing you as a whole new person–your stance on death penalty and lowering the minimum age for criminal responsibility included.
4. You can use an eyeshadow primer (like Lorac Behind The Scenes) prior to applying your eyeshadow, but I didn’t because it’s not like I wanted my eye makeup to steal the attention from the rest of my face. Lorac eyeshadow shades used: Gold all over my lids and lower lashline so I can feel as golden as someone who got away from pocketing more than P200 million, and a coal-gray shade like Slate over the crease and outer corners (use as much as you want, it’s not like the environment is more important than pushing for coal-fired power plants!) Blend.
5. Tightline your upper and lower waterline with a black eyeliner pencil (like NYX retractable white eyeliner), before wingin’ it with a liquid eyeliner (like Lifeford Hi-Precise Eye Pen). Don’t feel pressured if you can’t draw the wings to be sharp as the marksmanship of Leon Guerrero; it’s not as if skills really matter.
6. Now, my favorite makeup item: FALSIES!!! It doesn’t matter if you were born with inadequate eyelashes; you don’t even need to work hard for them to grow because you can simply FAKE EVERY LITTLE BIT by using a pair of falsies (my personal favorite: Bohktoh BT-02). I swear everyone should try wearing falsies; they’re so empowering, you’d feel as if you can control wherever your eyes land on: a student activist who was tortured to death after humiliating you during an open forum, your daddy so he can cancel PAL flights and order their planes to transport your breastmilk back to your son while you frolic abroad…or you can even make the majority voters forget the decades of atrocities caused by your family and actually vote you back into power, konting kindat lang ang katapat. So nice noh.
7. Forget all the expensive pink lipsticks in your stash. Rather, use the pink facepaint from your Flash palette for a really girly lip color. Before you say “eww!” at the idea of painting your lips with face freakin paint, remember, you’re one of the boys so you shouldn’t be maselan for Federalism like that. Isn’t it so convenient how visually, the facepaint can pass-off as a legit lipstick, when, unlike lipsticks, it’s not really formulated to keep lips nourished? But hey at least you’re fit AND good-looking so people can’t see your inner Umbridge…
8. Now that you’re done with the lips and the eye area, Select Inverse and slather a thick amount of Elmer’s transparent (!) glue all over your face. Once that transparent (!) layer dries, cover it with an orangey red facepaint. Don’t be scared to really bring out the redness because that’s how your skin responds to sun damage–it really causes extra redness to be splattered across the streets in the capillaries. And once the facepaint dries, pinch and poke random areas in your glue mask with a tweezer so you can make it appear as if your burned skin’s falling off like those who are too poor to defend themselves are falling off the face of the earth.
9. Place a bottle of Graftobian F/X Gelatin in a hot waters bath until the gelatin’s fluid enough to be squeezed out (and mixed with a bit of brownish-yellow facepaint). Then pretend like you’re a masochistic cake decorator who’s in love with a cannibal and decorate your face with blobs of gelatin for the blister burns. On your nose, on your cheek, and don’t ever forget to take advantage of your fivehead’s surface area, so that at first glance, the blister burn will look like iniputan ka lang sa ulo ng mga manok na may cancer.
10. Congrats! You’ve made it! Celebrate by doing what you do best: take a selfie, but don’t smile too hard, since you still need to appear like the lapdog humble hero who’s #shookt for winning even if hundreds of millions of pesos were spent for your campaign ads. 
11.  Pray to all the gods that your third instalment three years from now won’t be as gory and passive-aggressive as the ones from 2016 and 2019; wonder if you’ll still be around when the time comes.